Violence and physical abuse in a relationship – What to do when you love him and don’t want to let go

Bijay J Anand | February 6, 2017

I once got a call at 2.30am from a dear friend who told me that she was at Colaba police station because one of her best friends had been beaten up black and blue by her husband. The reason why she had called me was that the cop on duty had refused to take down her complaint despite having made them wait for over 4 hours.

A couple of phone calls later, I came to realize that the reason why there was lethargy on the part of the uniforms to take action against an obvious monster was on account of the serious amount of clout the lady in questions husband wielded in society and its administrators.

A couple of more phone calls later by myself ensured that this anomaly was set right and that the monster was unceremoniously picked up from his home and thrown into the lock up.

The reason why I am writing about this now is that when this monstrous gentleman got out on bail he begged, pleaded and cajoled his way back into the lady’s heart and earned her forgiveness and they actually lived happily after.

Point is that a bully is a bully when he knows that he can lash out and get away with it. When a human being realizes that there’s retribution by way of a strong backlash on account of his misdemeanors then the propensity to arbitrarily hit out takes a serious amount of insanity.

Women who take physical abuse quietly lying down and bear the torture day in and day out would do well to realize that the power they wield in this regard by way of the numerous NGO’s and the social media.

The biggest problem such women face is the fear of spoiling the family name and putting her children and parents into disrepute by coming out into the open about the true reason of their black-eye.

What I have to say to that is that the onus of protecting the family name is as much on the man of the house as it is on the woman. If the only recourse left to the physically abused woman is to ask for help from the police, NGO or the social media then it is incumbent upon her to protect the texture of her soul, her life as well as her mental equilibrium.

Point is that a bully is a bully when he knows that he can lash out and get away with it. When a human being realizes that there’s retribution by way of a strong backlash on account of his misdemeanors then the propensity to arbitrarily hit out takes a serious amount of insanity.

In my own classes that I teach, I have numerous students who come up to me and recount sordid details of systematic physical abuse heaped upon them by their spouses.

It breaks my heart that most refuse to set matters right on account of their fear of societal reactions and damage to their reputation.

My counsel to them is always to try to make them understand that the man who can lay his hands on a hapless, defenseless woman is a man who is sick in the mind in the first place. Such men are devoid of love for themselves and have no self-respect whatsoever. In many of such cases my advice is also to just simply walk out of the abusive relationship. Wherever one feels that the situation can be remedied, I intervene and advise accordingly.

To whoever is reading this and going through the tortuous ignominy of physical abuse, here is a list of do’s and don’ts-

  • Drastically reduce the amount of spicy food that you feed him. Spicy food heats up the system and creates tamas in the body as well as the mind. Most sane people can go insane on account of tamasic lifestyles and eating habits.
  • Ditto for non-vegetarian food. The same principle of tamas applies here as well. A vegetarian diet does well to calm the mind and clean up the aura.
  • If he smokes or drinks alcohol and if you can at all do anything about it then make him quit. Alcohol particularly generates a tendency in the mind to behave irrationally or stupidly most of the time.
  • When you see a discussion or an argument headed south, don’t stoke the fire. When you know the end-result of such negative conversations, just back off from the outset instead of reaching the point of no return.
  • Make them pay for their transgressions at a later date. Wait till their defenses are down and they’ve removed their red tinted glasses and then give them the grief for what they did to you. Never try to fight fire with fire the same time when the inferno is raging.
  • Do not initiate conversations about the exes or bring up the matter of their failures in their businesses and just keep badgering their minds to the point at which they end up lashing out. Though there is no justification for a physical display of strength, it is illadvised to push anyone to the point of insanity.
  • Do not allow yourself to be a doormat. Just remember that looking at a whimpering, cowering woman only leads to a further spiraling down of the situation. BE STRONG, both mentally and spiritually.
  • In cases of frequent abuse, hit back with a police complaint or expose him to the social media. TAKE CHARGE of your life. You will be surprised how quickly a man stops his stupid behavior if he knows that he will get hit back by a brick if he throws a pebble at you. At least once, if he so much as lays a finger on you, make him pay. Once he realizes that you won’t be taking things lying down anymore, there is a jolly good chance that he will stop.
  • And finally, always remember that you have only one life and it is much shorter than you think it is. Before you even know it, your life will be over. This short life, endeavor to live it beautifully and cherish every moment and every day as if it were your last. Do not allow the mental disease of another soul to scar you or to take your life away from you ever.

Sat Nam

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